The Onion “reports” that Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has come up with the ultimate way to test our national security vulnerabilities: Releasing the five most dangerous prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, including Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, into the United States to see whether we can catch them before they strike.
“If the Empire State Building or Jefferson Memorial blows up, for example, then we’ll know we have to make some improvements,” she added. “It’s all part of the process.”
[…] DHS also confirmed that the terrorists, who vowed nothing would stop them from their ultimate goal of destroying all of America, received a $100 Home Depot gift card for incidentals and supplies.
[…] Homeland Security officials said the drill will provide vital information on exactly how easily a hypothetical group of terrorists could exploit vastly underprotected and insufficiently funded areas such as Yosemite National Park, the Hoover Dam, most of the North American power grid, or virtually any U.S. port.
“Some of them will certainly attempt to infiltrate some of our more vulnerable nuclear power plants in Texas or North Carolina, but the odds of them succeeding are pretty low, if you think about it,” [DHS spokesman Roger] Munns said. “Although, off the record, I really hope they don’t go after Chicago’s mass transit system, because, let me tell you, that whole thing would go up in flames real quick.”
GAO investigators, eat your hearts out.
In other news:
- Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell yesterday told comedian-turned-senator Al Franken that, “This isn’t Saturday Night Live,” after Franken apparently clowned around during McConnell’s speech. Politico reported that Franken rolled around in his chair, gasped and rolled his eyes as McConnell delivered remarks opposing Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan. Franken apologized, but we should probably be happy he didn’t deliver an in-character rebuttal as Stuart Smalley.
- Stephen Colbert, of all people, debunks a news report that claims the Taliban is training terrorist monkeys to fight soldiers. Phew. I’ll sleep easier tonight.
- And Colbert talks to Rep. Barney Frank here about the new Consumer Financial Protection Bureau and potential nominee Elizabeth Warren.