Procurement scandals, Onion-style


"Dynamite Joe" in Juarez/The Onion

Happy Friday! To ease you into your Labor Day weekend, enjoy a few headlines from The Onion, such as “Pentagon Ripped Off By Shady Weapons Dealer:”

Defense Secretary Robert Gates admitted losing $192 million in defense funds Tuesday when he unwittingly purchased a large number of bogus BGM-109 Tomahawk missiles from a disreputable arms dealer known only as “Steve.” “When I got the crate open at the office, it turned out the ‘missiles’ were nothing more than old sewer pipes filled with newspapers and capped with construction cones, all painted to look legit,” Gates said.

That’s probably the Onion’s best weapons acquisition story since last year’s “Obama Axes Pentagon Plan To Build Billion Dollar Tank In Shape of Dragon.”

And while we’re at it, their gloriously insane send-ups of Joe Biden continue in “Biden To Cool His Heels in Mexico For A While” (link contains profanity):

“I need to steer clear of D.C. until some **** blows over,” said Biden, sitting in the far corner of a Mexican cantina with his back to the wall and taking a long swig from a bottle of Tecate Light. “It’s nothing I can’t handle, but let’s just say there was a little misunderstanding. Somebody didn’t get something they were supposed to get.”

“And somebody else got a whole lot more than they bargained for,” he added.

[…] On Tuesday, the Senate received a postcard of topless women wearing green, red, and white bikini bottoms from Biden. A personal message apologized for his extended absence and provided contact information and instructions to call his buddy Blaze if they needed a tiebreaking vote.

Have a great weekend! FedLine will be back on Tuesday.


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